7 Ways to Remember Mayor Bloomberg
Bloomberg, a liberal billionaire, bought the mayor’s office three times, in a failed effort to ban large sodas
Few thought that we would miss Mayor Bloomberg when he was gone. But then he was replaced by the supporter of a Communist terrorist group whose No. 1 issue is banning carriage horses in Central Park because a real estate tycoon bought him the election to do it. There’s also something about a universal preschool curriculum. Also his daughter from his lesbian wife just “touched” a lot of people by coming out as a junkie on YouTube. So looking back, let’s remember Mayor Bloomberg, a liberal billionaire who bought the mayor’s office three times, in a failed effort to ban large sodas. 1. Bloomberg was Spider Man With great power and wealth comes great responsibility. Unfortunately Mayor Bloomberg’s powers, after being bitten by a radioactive waterbug limited him to swinging not less than 2 inches while nagging everyone in sight. 2. Mayor Bloomberg Liked to Gingerly Hold Guns Whether they were toy guns or real guns, he would always hold them like he didn’t quite know what they were and was afraid they might somehow turn around and shoot him. Maybe that was why he kept trying to ban them. 3. Mayor Bloomberg was Bad at Eating Bloomberg was a talented businessman, but he never figured out how to eat. Maybe he was just too busy. Usually someone had to help him eat. Maybe this was why he wanted to ban so many foods. 4. Mayor Bloomberg Never Figured Out How Cups Work Either Maybe this was why he had so many problems eating. He spent three terms puzzling over cups and holding press conferences about them. Eventually he just gave up and focused on guns. And he never figured out how guns work either. 5. Mayor Bloomberg Gave a Crazy Lady a Job Once upon a time, Bloomberg decided that sign language interpretation should be as silly as possible to distract New Yorkers from how badly he was mismanaging the latest disaster. His brilliant plan would have worked if not for all the people whose homes were on fire, under water or underwater and on fire. 6. After Retirement, Mayor Bloomberg has Taken a Job at a Somali Ice Skating Rink Some people say that working as an attendant at an skating rink in an African country where it never snows and everything is on fire is a step down from being Mayor of New York City. Others disagree. 7. Bloomberg Did Every Job Ever Mayor Bloomberg made it to the Fire Department and the trash department, but could only work as a probation officer in the NYPD. Bloomberg probably made a bad parole officer. You could see him being much more concerned about the salt content of a released serial killer’s diet than about his killing habits.